Sometimes, when I look at my chideren, I say to myself "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter, Mother of President Jimmy Carter
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I had rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt
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The secret to a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
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By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight speech impediment. Every now and then she stops to
breathe.
Jimmy Durante
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I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food
groups: alchohol, caffiene, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetary, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else begins to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is old enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
Billy Crystal
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Happiness often sneaks through a door you didn't know you left open.
John Barrymore
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Well arranged time is the surest mark of a well arranged mind.
Pitman
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Management advice: To get what you expect you must inspect.
W. Clement Stone
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