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Joke of the Day

Intrepid Founder 63 posts Aug 26, 2009 9:45 PM	Just want to clear up these definitions for you: Guts or balls. There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below: GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?' BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.' I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
Intrepid Founder 64 posts Aug 27, 2009 3:39 AM	A $50 Lesson I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? ' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed. 'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house. She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50? ' I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.' Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
Intrepid Founder 66 posts Aug 27, 2009 11:22 PM	Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sandra, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?" Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.' After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sandra answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500." Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Intrepid Founder 67 posts Aug 29, 2009 5:55 PM	HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE 1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. 2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender. 3. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. 4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 5. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN." 6. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up. 7. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." 8. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss. 9. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy." 10. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down. 11. Specify that your drive-thru order is "to go." 12. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. Anyone else have any ideas to add?
Intrepid Founder 68 posts Aug 31, 2009 9:22 AM	In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney? "She again replied, "! Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you asks that woman if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail for Contempt of Court.
Intrepid Founder 69 posts Sep 01, 2009 1:59 AM	On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, wha t was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?' After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven ?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. 'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?' Last Edited on 1-Sep-2009 2:00 AM
Intrepid Founder 71 posts Sep 03, 2009 3:41 AM	Two co-workers, Pete & Joe are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Pete turns to Joe and says, 'Joe, I'm tired of going through life without any sort of education. Tomorrow I think I'll go over to the Community College and sign up for some classes !!' Joe says it's a good idea and the two leave. The next day, Pete goes to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes:... Math, English, Am. History, and Logic. 'What's that....Logic stuff ?' Pete asks. The dean says, 'It's pretty interesting stuff... I'll give you an example.... OK, Pete, do you own a weed eater ???' 'Yep, sure do !!' 'Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I would think that you would also have a yard !!' 'Golly Bum...that's true, I do have a nice yard !!' 'Wait a minute...I'm not done,' the dean cautions.. 'Because you have a yard, I would think logically that you also would own a house !!' 'Yep, I do have a house, alright !!' 'Now, because you own a house, I think that you might logically have a family...!!' Pete says, 'You got that right, I do have a family !!' 'OK, I'm still not done.... Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And finally because you have a wife , then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual !!' 'Whew!, that's pretty good...I am a heterosexual straight guy, that's for sure !! That's really amazing, Doc... you were able to figure out all of that information just because I own a weed eater !!' Really excited to be taking the classes, Pete thanks and shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet his buddy Joe at the bar. He begins telling Joe all about his classes and how he is signed up for Math, English, Am. History, and a super course called, Logic !! 'Logic ??? What the hell is that stuff ??' Joe asks. Pete says, 'OK...I'll give you an example..... Joe, do you own a weed eater ???' 'Nope !!' 'Then you're gay!!' Last Edited on 3-Sep-2009 3:42 AM
Intrepid Founder 73 posts Sep 04, 2009 1:00 AM	I was driving from Iowa City to Cedar Rapids the other day. When a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same Question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat. "Democrat!" I shouted.. "Hop in!" replied the blonde. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
Intrepid Founder 74 posts Sep 05, 2009 12:45 AM	Here’s a template for folks with accounts with the big banks…. Dear Sir: One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds". In view of current events in the banking market, does that refer to me or to you?
Intrepid Founder 75 posts Sep 06, 2009 11:54 PM	I love this DOCTOR!!!! HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! ! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'
Intrepid Founder 76 posts Sep 08, 2009 3:17 AM	The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . . . Kill her!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions.. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Intrepid Founder 77 posts Sep 09, 2009 9:46 PM	Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States . It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age, however, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. KC and the class were just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating ... "What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by c-section?"
Intrepid Founder 78 posts Sep 10, 2009 2:23 AM	Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
Intrepid Founder 79 posts Sep 10, 2009 11:48 PM	TOOL LIST DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ‘Oh sh — ‘ ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. BELT SANDER:An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing #### clothes, but only while in use. DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ‘DAMM-IT’ at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Intrepid Founder 80 posts Sep 13, 2009 1:47 AM	Barack Obama was looking for a call girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?' She replied, $200.' To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the redhead... Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, Get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, Keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have retirees, Then it isn't going to cost you a cent !'
Intrepid Founder 82 posts Sep 17, 2009 5:33 AM	While on a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. 'I'm too young to die,' she wails. Then she yells, 'Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?' For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a cowboy from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time....... No one moves ................ He removes his shirt............... Muscles ripple across his chest........ She gasps.................... He whispers................. 'Iron this... then get me a beer.'
Intrepid Founder 83 posts Sep 19, 2009 9:02 AM	Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives: 1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ?If I died, would you get another dog?? 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but not least: 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Intrepid Founder 84 posts Sep 23, 2009 3:59 AM	A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She decided to wear a loose fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He wore his usual attire of jeans and t-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large enclosure that had a muscular Silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla got a bit excited and jumped onto the cage bars and began grunting loudly and pounding his chest with his free hand. The pink dress obviously got the big ape rather excited. The husband, noticing the abrupt excitement, thought it rather amusing. He suggested that his wife tease the ape a bit more by puckering her lips, turn around and wiggle her bottom. She thought it could be fun and played along....the gorilla became more excited and began making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She complied and the gorilla became enraged and began to try to tear the bars down. "Now......raise your dress a bit and show him your thighs and fan your dress at him !!" This little display now drove the gorilla absolutely nuts and he started doing back flips. Then the husband got a bright idea and grabbed his wife, flung open the door to the cage, shoved her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut and hollered, "Now. Tell him you have a headache !!"
Intrepid Founder 87 posts Sep 28, 2009 9:55 AM	A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second, in the third she had just discovered that everything had been reduced to a 'fiver' when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his care giver!' The woman broke down and sobbed uncontrollably........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'
Intrepid Founder 88 posts Sep 29, 2009 5:45 AM	An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.' With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumb founded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all Irish are stupid; not all blondes are dumb; but all men are men.
Intrepid Founder 89 posts Sep 30, 2009 6:36 AM	Maude and John, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company After several weeks of meeting for coffee, John asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined John for a most enjoyable roll in the sack. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts........... John was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I would have taken off my pantyhose."